Why you never get Merlin drunk
by Seedsiz
Summary: Ever wanted to see Merlin roast just about everyone? Well look no futher because drunk!Merlin takes care of that! Current kill count: 5. Latest victim: Gwaine.
1. Arthur

A/N: This is post season 5 but Arthur, Lancelot, Gwaine, and everyone else is alive. Except for Mordred and Morgana. They be dead as fish.

Disclaimer: Violating copyrights with magic is probably legal until someone manages to actually do it.

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Why you never get Merlin drunk

Gauis had admitted that he had lied about Merlin's frequent trips to the tavern in the past, which made Arthur realise he had never really seen Merlin drunk. Now that he'd finally gotten his useless court sorcerer to down some drinks with him, he was starting to regret it. His bad leg had started hurting again and as he tried moving it in a more comfortable position he couldn't stop the wince escaping his lips.

"Leg?" Merlin asked.

Arthur grunted his affirmative.

"Wuss," Merlin said into his tankard but Arthur still managed to hear it.

"I beg your pardon? _Your_ first battle wound was a tiny scratch on your arm."

"Actually," Merlin lifted his shirt to where a big gnarled burn was at the center of his chest. "Got it in my first magical duel to the death."

Arthur visibly paled.

Merlin only chuckled. "If you think that's bad you should have seen my opponent. Took me and Gauis six hours to wash the Nimueh-chunks out of the stonework." Merlin then proceeded to show Arthur more scars than he, or any of the knights of the round table had. Put together.

Arthur barely got the words out of his now dry mouth, "Why didn't you say anything? And why are you only now telling me?"

Merlin shrugged casually, "Never seemed like the right time. I just wanted to settle it once and for all. I am better than you, Arthur Pendragon. At everything."

"Don't be ridiculous, Merlin."

"Let's see. I'm a warlock. I can ride horses and dragons both, and I can cook, clean and do every household chore needed to keep someone alive and happy. And I STILL write all of your speeches for you."

 _He had a point_ , Arthur conceded. But there was one thing he knew he was best at and no one could take that away from him. "I'm the best swordsman in all of Albion," he said smugly.

"I. Am. Magic. Incarnate. One spell and my skill is unrivaled."

No. This couldn't be happening... Merlin... was better than him? "What do you want?" Arthur whispered brokenly.

"Bragging rights," Merlin said as he staggered towards the door.

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The next day Leon found Arthur sitting on the floor rocking manically back and forth.

"Is everything alright, Sire?"

"He _can't_ be better than me at everything. He's - he's _Mer_ lin!"

Leon looked at the empty flagons around him. Seemed like Arthur had had the bad idea of getting Merlin drunk. He certainly wasn't the first to have an existential crisis afterwards. Not that Leon would ever admit it, of course. "And what have we learned, Sire?"

Arthur hugged his knees and rocked even faster. "That Merlin is mean when he is drunk."

Leon joined Arthur on the floor as his own recent experience threatened to overwhelm him. "That he is," he said shakily as he too began rocking with the king. "That he is."

And _that_ is why you never get Merlin drunk.

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A/N: Review? Pretty please with a cherry on top? Apologies for any spelling mistakes in advance. This was written late at night with a barely functioning brain.


	2. Leon

A/N: A one-shot becomes a two-shot thanks to _pezz._ You're the hero merlinians need, but not the one they deserve right now.

Disclaimer: The software I use to write does not recognise 'prat' as a word. Obviously we are no longer friends. (What do you mean, 'That's not how disclaimers work'?)

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Leon was heading from the armoury to his room when he spotted Merlin staggering about in the hallway. "What happened?" he said worriedly, placing one of Merlin's arms around his shoulders.

"Gwaine thought it was funny to swap my wine for 'something better' when we were dining with the prat."

Leon gently steered them towards Gaius' chambers. Arthur had tried to get his court sorcerer lodgings befitting his status but Merlin had heard none of it, refusing to leave his tiny room.

"I don't like Gwaine's hair you know," Merlin said suddenly out of nowhere. "Bouncing everywhere and getting in my mouth when I have to drag his sorry hide home from the tavern."

"I agree with you," Leon said, humouring his drunk friend. "We can have Percy sit on him while we cut it, you and me."

"I'm going to cut yours too someday," Merlin continued happily.

Leon had to force himself to not swat away Merlin's hand that was tugging at one of his curls playfully. "Here we are then," he said, stopping in front of the door. "Want me to take you inside and find a draught that'll help you with the headache tomorrow?"

Merlin didn't seem to hear him. "Sir Leon the brave and noble. Always there to help and protect the people."

"So do you, Merlin. I think you are braver than all of us."

"That's right, I am," Merlin said angrily. "Not only am I braver than you, I'm smarter, stronger and more handsome. I am kind to everyone regardless of their status and I am loyal to the cabbage-head. Even more than you are!"

"Sure you are," Leon cut him off.

Merlin squinted his eyes. "You don't believe me?"

The silence meeting his words only seemed to confirm his suspicions. "I have saved numerous people. The turnip-head alone I have saved more times than you have ever held a sword!"

"And yet the king never calls _me_ a girl." Leon knew it was a low blow, but he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"He doesn't?" Merlin raised an eyebrow at him. "I'll be sure to tell him how good you look in a dress then. Maybe that'll change his mind."

Leon gasped, horrified. "Gwen told you?!"

"Of course she did. I'm her bestest friend." Merlin frowned, unhappy with his last sentence.

Leon was starting to sweat. Praying to all the gods he could think of that Arthur never heard of this, he closed his eyes and said, "I have kissed the queen." At Merlin's look he added hastily, "When we were young of course."

" _Gwen_ kissed _me,_ " Merlin said easily.

Leon was getting desperate. Throwing caution to the wind he whispered his deepest, darkest secret. "I think I'm immortal."

He couldn't stop Merlin slipping from his shoulders while his body shook with laughter. "Immortal? You?! Your parents paid some druid to have a good luck charm cast over you. Shouldn't last more than a year now."

Opening the door after a few unsuccessful attempts Merlin managed to slip inside, but not before Leon could hear him snorting, "Immortal indeed."

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A/N: I didn't want to do another chapter but now that I've done, I hope it was up to par. Reviews are lovely things ;)


	3. Morgana

A/N: Remember what I said about Morgana being dead in chapter 1? No? Good, me neither. The cave I'm using in this chapter is Nimueh's secret cave.

Disclaimer: I bribed Merlin into making me the owner of BBC, which means Merlin is mine now! Mwahahaha (Please don't sue me.)

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Merlin opened his eyes slowly to an unfamiliar cave. Sadly he knew all of the caves around Camelot on sight. Stupid prat that had to get captured every other month. Stupid captors that lacked imagination and always settled for a cave. He tried moving his arms but found out that they were chained. Magic-restraining chains of course.

"Hello Emrys," Morgana said, stepping out from the shadows.

Merlin groaned loudly. "What do you want?"

She chose to ignore his question. "I was having a look at this nice stone basin filled with enchanted water someone left in this cave when a most peculiar thing happened."

"You saw your own reflection and realised why no one wants you?"

Her hands clenched tightly but she showed no other sign that she had heard him as she continued circling the basin. "I saw Sir Leon warning Sir Richard that horrible things happens when Merlin gets drunk." She looked over at him. "Because when he is intoxicated he speaks terrible truths. Truths that should never be uttered, secrets so great that when they are unveiled, the bravest of knights quake in their shoes." She stopped in front of him. "Tell me your secrets, _Emrys_." She whispered something and her eyes briefly turned gold.

Merlin suddenly felt lightheaded. "An inebriation spell? Really?"

"Would you rather I had gotten you drunk the conventional way?" she teased him. "Now tell me the truth."

Merlin eyed her critically. "Your hair looks ratty, you are overdue for a bath and that eyeshadow really doesn't work with your complexion. How do you even get that colour when you live in a hovel? By crushing beetles?"

"What? How _dare_ you!" _And how_ _did he know about my ground beetle eyeshadow?_ She straightened, trying to regain some of her composure. "The Cailleach told me that Emrys will walk in my shadow. That he is my destiny and my doom. I demand that you tell how I change the prophecy!"

Merlin stared at her for a long time. _"That's_ why you've been trying to kill me?"

Morgana looked confused. "I tried to prevent it from happening by killing you first."

"Have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies? No wait," he backtracked, "tell me. Do you perhaps get these ideas from a dragon?"

"What has Aithusa got to do with this?" Morgana asked defensively.

Merlin swore colourfully. Bloody dragons and their kill first, face the consequences of your _attempted murder which is going to bring about what you feared in the first place_ later. "Next time, just try to find the hidden meaning in prophecies. They are never straightforward you know."

"You are my destiny and my _supposed_ doom," she said cockily, tugging at his chains. "Forgive me for interpreting it the wrong way."

Merlin had had enough. He was the mighty Emrys, did she really think these things would hold him? With a flash of his eyes he was free.

Morgana's smile faltered.

"Have you forgotten what was once between us?" Merlin said evenly, like what he had just done was no big thing. "To answer your question, Morgana: We were _destined_ to be together, you were _doomed_ to fall in love with me but noooooo. Let's just try to off the guy, I'm sure that's what it means," he said scathingly.

Morgana gaped at him.

"And before you even ask. No, I won't take you back. You see I met this girl. Freya. She is kind and beautiful and amazing and funny and whenever I see her nothing else matters because she makes me feel whole and happy."

Morgana quickly changed tactic. "I'm a priestess of the old religion, Merlin. I understand you because I'm like you," she said persuasively. "This girl will never be able to understand you like I can."

"Oh please," Merlin scoffed. "She is a druid, she knows all about magic. Besides, the Sidhe made her the gatekeeper to Avalon, the eternal land. Now she is more powerful than you AND she is immortal. Just like me." Merlin showed her the gold ring around his finger. "And we are getting married next week. You are _so_ not invited," he said as he walked past her.

Morgana threw back her head and screamed, "EEEMRYYYS!"

"And that's Sir Emrys to you!" Merlin called from the entrance, as he left behind him a blubbering mess of a high priestess.

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A/N: I have created a poll on my profile where you can vote for who Merlin's next victim is going to be. I'm thinking about doing them all in the end, but the one with the most votes gets written first! PM if there is something you'd like drunk!Merlin to address and don't forget to review ;)


	4. Uther

A/N: The poll on my profile is still open and if you haven't voted yet, it's my pleasure to inform you that I won't be taking Uther off the list. That's right folks, show the dead king some love!

Disclaimer: *insert funny disclaimer here because Seedsiz can't think of one* I like trains?

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"YOU!" Uther thundered.

Merlin didn't even bother looking up. "Me," he said simply.

The dead king immediately tried to put his blue hands around the boy's throat, only for them to pass right through him. "What kind of sorcery is this?" he demanded angrily.

"Did you really think I would summon you back into this world and _not_ take away your ability to touch things? Oh, and before you try it, you no longer have super-speed or the ability to turn invisible."

"How dare you take away what's mine. Give me back my powers!"

"Do you want me to give you your _magical_ powers back?" Merlin asked innocently.

Uther blanched. "No," he backtracked quickly, "I will never consort with filth like you. I will find a normal way to kill you, _sorcerer._ " Making sure that his stance on magic was clear again, he continued. "Why have you summoned me?"

"Hmm? I was just having a look through the vaults when I found the potion of Sigan. It was lost many years ago and legends say that the one to drink it would get their magic doubled. It could even _give_ the one to drink it magic if they they didn't have any beforehand." He burped loudly before frowning. "They didn't mention it would get you drunk though. That part was unexpected." He stretched out his legs, making himself comfortable on the floor. "After that I saw The Horn of Cathbadh so I thought It'd be nice to have a chat with you."

"Why hasn't Arthur executed you yet? You are a sorcerer!"

Merlin managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Barely. "Seems he's too stupid to realize it. You know, one time I pulled him away and muttered an incantation right in his ear, and he still didn't get it. Can you believe it?" And even after that Merlin had had to literally spell it out for Arthur that he had magic, but the dollophead hadn't believed him. Which might have something to do with Merlin's suspicions that Arthur couldn't actually read. _Always knew the prat was illiterate. How he survived all those years before I came to Camelot is something I'll never understand..._

"How dare you question the intelligence of a royal, you scum?"

Merlin lifted an eyebrow and grinned cheekily. "Being the queen has got to have some perks doesn't it?"

Uther turned a sickly silver color as he took in the fine clothes the boy was wearing and more specifically, the ring on his finger. "No," he whispered, "This can't be true. Arthur, he- he marri-" he chocked, not able to get the words out. All the rumors he had heard from the castle staff ran through his mind and he remembered the time when he had come across Geoffrey's secret collection of stories about Arthur and his manservant. The only reason he hadn't executed the librarian on the spot was because no one else in Camelot was literate enough to fill his role and Uther had also been busy repressing the memories of what he had read that day.

Merlin couldn't hold in the laughter any longer. "Even I didn't think Pendragons were _this_ gullible. Have you ever _seen_ the state of your son's socks? Who in their right mind would marry Arthur?" Merlin shook his head sadly. It had been a sad day when he had lost Guinevere. He had really thought she would have more sense than marrying the prat.

As blood flooded Uther's cheeks his color changed from silver to blue to purple. "Pendragon men are most desirable. We are sought after by every woman in the kingdom, no one can resist our charms!"

"Including trolls apparently," Merlin commented, effectively shutting up the king. "Such a great king you were, _Uther_. I remember the goblin incident as if it was yesterday." He swept his arm in a grand manner. "Men still tremble at your flatulence and your baldness struck fear into the heart of Gaius. And he has seen Arthur's dirty laundry."

Uther was scrabbling to come up with a response but there was nothing he could say. "Magic is evil…?" That seemed to be an appropriate response to most things and Uther realized he hadn't said it in ten minutes now. He sighed in relief. Balance was once again restored to nature.

Merlin on the other hand was growing bored of Uther and lifted the horn to his lips. Before he blew it, he added with a smirk even Morgana would be jealous of, "Just so you know, I totally drew a moustache on your sarcophagus."

As Uther faded away, a faint sobbing could be heard before that too disappeared.

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A/N: Totally off topic but the guy that said 'The half is better than the whole' has obviously never been gifted half a cake. I'm offended on so many levels I don't even know what to say.  
Oh, and please leave a review because I love reading what you guys think :)


	5. Gwaine

A/N: Once upon a time I wrote a drabble wherein Gwaine was Flynn. Gwaine is simply too fabulous for just one role.

Disclaimer: To disclaim or not to disclaim? *flips coin* Today I do not disclaim! Huh. Someone should introduce Hamlet to coins.

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Gwaine hooted along with the others in the tavern as Merlin emptied another tankard. As with Arthur, they all wanted to see him drunk and witness the potential hilarity that would ensue.

"Now, Merlin. Doesn't this feel _good_?" As he was talking, Gwaine was already making the mistake of refilling Merlin's tankard.

Merlin smiled pleasantly in return, and somewhere in the bowels of the castle Arthur involuntarily shuddered. "It does. Feels like I can do anything I want and no one can stop me- ah sorry. That's just every day. I forgot. Can you believe I ever let the prat think he could boss me around?"

Gwaine laughed along with the others but was inwardly disappointed. He'd been hoping Merlin would embarrass himself so he could get back on some of the blackmail material his friend had on him.

"Which reminds me-" Merlin lifted the tankard to attract attention that he already had. "-Did I tell ever tell you about that when time I found Gwaine in the servants' wing in the middle of the night?" No one looked surprised, but Gwaine recognized the story and silently let his head fall on the table.

"In _old man Sam's room_ ," Merlin finished gleefully.

How had Gwaine ever thought Merlin had helped him out of the goodness of his heart all those times he got too drunk for his own good? The way he was laying out story after story made even the barmaids start snickering at him.

"Aww come on, Gwaine! I haven't even gotten to the good part yet!"

"Good part?" Gwaine asked weakly.

"Oh yes. This is just the stupid things you _do._ " Merlin paused, wrinkling his nose. "You smell," he declared. "Horribly. And where in the hell do you even keep apples when everyone else is freezing their backsides off? Is there ever a time where you aren't thinking of food?"

Gwaine was about to interrupt at this point but Merlin beat him to it yet again, "And your insults suck too. Princess? Really? All those idiot things Arthur do and you decide _princess_ is the best insult you can come up with?"

Gwaine was looking more and more hurt now. Why was Merlin doing this to him? They were friends. Best friends even!

"Lancelot," Merlin said as if he could read Gwaine's thoughts.

The look of despair on the rugged knight's face drew sympathetic glances from the women and one of them reached forward to stroke his hair gently.

Merlin was also looking at the woman, but with a pensive frown. "Your hair," he said suddenly, snapping his fingers.

Gwaine did the obligatory hair flip that followed every time his fabulous locks were mentioned, though his hands also came up to protect the hair.

Giant, wicked looking scissors were suddenly glinting in Merlin's hand. Damn the day Arthur lifted the ban on sorcery!

" _No_ ," the handsome knight whimpered. "Please don't. I'll do everything. You can tell them everything."

His pleas fell on deaf ears. The time for mercy had long since passed, mainly somewhere between Merlin's fifth or sixth round. The feeble protests Gwaine made amounted to nothing as Merlin pinned him down and sheared all his hair off.

"I faced the most feared of all foes. The ultimate killing machine himself when I dragged his lazy arse out of bed every morning. Don't be too hard on yourself, Gwaine." Merlin held up his prize.

Even when Merlin addressed him, no one had spared the fallen knight a second glance. It became obvious why a second later when Merlin placed the hair in his hand on a fat and bald man's head and every lady in the room collectively sighed. Switching the magical headpiece to a chair only served to make the dreamy gazes realize what a handsome chair it was.

A beat passed, and then pandemonium broke out as every man dove for the hair.

Merlin's eyes met Gwaine's in the middle of the uproar and he mouthed 'My job here is done' before taking his leave.

Gwaine's eyes filled with tears. He'd taken his shirt off and no one had noticed.

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A/N: So falls the brave sir Gwaine. It is, I find, incredibly hard to insult a characters you can't help but adore. Add to that Gwaine's own shamelessness and it becomes that much harder.  
You all know the drill by now. Leave a tiny review (or a big one!) and make someone a lot happier :)


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